Wiggum: Okay, I assume you all know why you’re here.
[ducks a chair thrown at him from offscreen]
That’s right, you’re all angry, sick people. But, over these next eight hours, you will be broken down to the level of infants, then rebuilt as functional members of society, then broken down again, then lunch, then, if there’s time, rebuilt once more.
Ralph: Dad, how do you get a girl to like you?
Wiggum: Son, whether you want to win a girl or to crack a nut, they key is persistence. Keep at it, and never lose your cool!
[When a nut refuses to crack, Wiggum takes a step back and shoots the nut.]
Wiggum: Let that be a lesson to the rest of you nuts!
Ralph: Okay dad, I’ll be persistent. Is that how you got mom?
Wiggum: Well son, never underestimate the appeal of a man in uniform.
Wiggum: Ah, there’s nothing like moonshine from your own still. [notices Homer] Oh, Simpson! [tosses the moonshine] What are you doing here?
Homer: [bitter] My wife is having a girls’ night out.
Wiggum: Aw, just get one of those inflatable women. But make sure it’s a woman though, because I one time I…heh.
Homer: The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice… like Urkel! And he appears every Friday night… like Urkel!
Wiggum: Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, I mean, uh, Simpson. So, I’ll just type it up on my invisible typewriter!
[Wiggum raises his arms and starts typing on air in sarcasm and starts humming]
Homer: You don’t have to humiliate me.
[Homer walks off, and another man walks in, wearing slightly burned clothes and playing compulsively with a lighter]
Man: I just torched a building downtown, and I’m afraid I’ll do it again!
Wiggum: Oh, yeah, right. I’ll just type it up on my invisible typewriter!
[goes through the same sarcastic routine]
Wiggum: License please?
[Troy hands his license]
Says here you need corrective lenses. Put those glasses on, Mister.
Troy: You wouldn’t ask a handsome man like me to wear glasses? It’d
be a crime against nature! [groans, then puts his glasses on, which are powerful
Wiggum: [surprised] Gaa! Well, they do kinda make you look like a nerd… Tell you what, just go down to the DMV tomorrow, try to pass that eye test. I’ll tear up this ticket but I’m uh…still gonna have to ask you for a bribe.